GRACE - the promise of spring

home sweet home.

currently i sit on a megabus bound for des moines. i have the best seat on the whole bus - top deck, front left, with a half-inch of glass separating me on two sides from the outdoors. the large window directly in front of me offers an incredible view of the unmatched iowa countryside.

to some this sight is an unimpressive mesh of nasty browns, struggling greens, and a not-so-bright blue sky. it's a barren land still dead from the wears of winter.

but not to me. i love it. i see beauty - pure, innocent beauty.

to me this land is a stunning mix of fields just starting to show patches of green life, contrasted by an endless, innocent, soft blue sky carrying wisps of subtle, white clouds, and a tender, cool breeze blowing the barely budding trees ever so gently. 

yes, this is my home. this is where i feel safe. this is where i love to be - in iowa. and i appreciate it now more than i ever have.

but what makes my perspective of this rather "boring" terrain different? why don't i see a hardly-alive land and a mix of dull colors?

maybe it’s because i’ve seen a city all year, and the grays, blacks, and browns get a bit boring, especially in the dead of winter.

maybe it’s because i’m delusional from 3 hours of restless sleep last night.

maybe it's because i know what these fields, trees, and skies will look like in just a few weeks - when the fields will be thriving, boasting sprouts of green promise for the season ahead and the blue skies shining brightly against the magnificent greens of the pockets of trees. 

or maybe it's because iowa is simply beautiful. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

right now my life feels quite a bit like iowa looks to the average person: pretty bleak, fairly pale.

but i don’t see my life as ugly; i don’t see my life as hopeless. i see promising sprouts of life - i see that during this dreary winter my heart has been changed and God-planned growth is in the works. 

because Jesus Christ says,

“Behold, I am making all things new.”

beginning with my heart. i am a new creation. there is fulfilling life now and abundant life ahead. 

so i see beauty because i trust that spring is not far off - that summer might even be coming.

and, besides, without a dead winter, it’s nearly impossible to appreciate the magnificent beauty of a coming spring. 

FAITH - a poem

this weekend i wrote a poem

To the Lost

The lost – among me – the doubters, the haters, the hesitant, the cravers

I hear them, I see them, but hope do I bring them?

A Doubter – she thinks His lifetime could be true:

He lived, He died, He said He’d make new.

She says, “I could believe but… to rise from the dead?

I simply can’t know if He died in my stead.”

The Hater – a man – consumed with the world.

He once knew some Christians, but judgments they hurled;

So his longings for peace he shoved down deep inside,

Masking his heart with false confidence and pride.

And then there’s the Hesitant, the girl who wants love.

She’s heard of a Jesus, of a God up above,

But her short life has taught her, “Girl, love’s never certain.”

So up go her walls, heart guarded by iron curtains.

Finally, the Craver, the man who’s never been told

That there’s hope in this world, that God died for his soul.

A busy life he keeps living in search of some thing;

He guesses it’s his purpose – he doesn’t know he needs the King.

The lost – among me – the doubters, the haters, the hesitant, the cravers

I hear them, I see them, but hope do I bring them?

One day, a few years back, I was lost and so afraid –

A doubter to the core, by the world’s claims I had been swayed.

I was full of deep hatred toward the religion of laws,

Hesitant to believe, yet craving for some cause.

Then out of the darkness a voice called my name,

I heard, “Daughter, I see you, for my own you are claimed.

Jesus died to give you life; now I forgive and show you grace

He rose from the dead, paying your penalty in your place.”

No longer am I lost – I’ve been found, given life.

A hope fills my soul, blocking blows from all strife.

Yes, life is still hard – there are days full of doubt,

But I know with all my heart by His grace I’m not cut out.

So a message I will bring to the lost around me:

To the doubter - there is truth He can’t wait for you to see

To the hater - He is peace, and I know you’ll agree

To the hesitant - God is love, He won’t leave you on your own

To the craver - You’ll be satisfied; He alone will fill your soul.

To the lost – among me – the doubters, the haters, the hesitant, the cravers

I hear you, I see you, and I bring hope from your Creator.

DOUBTS - the gospel when life sucks (part two)

on february 9, 2013, i wrote a post called "the gospel when life sucks."
it's somewhat comical now, except in a very sad comedic way; because if i had only known what lay ahead in my semester, if i had only known of the increasing amounts of pain to come... maybe i could have done something to prepare myself, to brace myself.

but i didn't know. 

(and guess what...
 i'm glad.) 

~"why are you glad? wouldn't you have wanted to know? to plan - at least to pray?"

~honestly, no. i know myself. i know i would have run far, far away. i would have said something like: "see ya later, God, i'm outta here." or "i can't handle that, i don't want to face pain." or "that can't happen to me - to my friends - to my plans."

but i didn't know. and by God's grace i didn't run. i've felt (and am feeling) every blow. every pain. every broken heart - my friends' and my own. 

and now i could blog about all the bad things that have happened. i could write about all the hurt. i could even try to explain myself to the wondering souls who question me.
...but that's not really the point...
it just isn't about all the bad things, the unexpected circumstances, the sins that cause hurt. it's not even about my attempts of explanation.
if it were about the bad things, i'd be depressed, sad, lonely, and hopeless.
if it were about the unexpected circumstances, i'd go crazy from loss of control.
if it were about my vain attempts of explaining what i hardly understand myself, we'd all leave confused and disappointed.

but, thankfully, it's not about those things.
and i know that it's not, because my God is not a God of sadness, loneliness, or hopelessness,

"You make known to me the paths of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." psalm 16

and my God is a God of plans - he isn't surprised by anything,

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." proverbs 16

and my God is a God of clarity, not confusion: he knows what he's doing,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." isaiah 55

so i can face my pain and not have to worry about healing as quickly as possible. why? because i'm knowing my Abba in a way i didn't even know i could. i've found my God, not just Jesus, cares about my heart, my tears, my every minute.
and that is why i don't want to run. because this deepening intimacy between God, the Satisfier, and me, His ever-wandering little girl, is too great to say, "man, i wish this pain never happened."

 the two - the pain in my soul and the comfort of my Daddy - are inseparable right now. and that's why i am glad i didn't know. so i couldn't run. so i could know the High King more. 

do i sometimes question myself, my discernment, my emotions, my God? yes. absolutely. in those moments of intense pain, relentless questioning, and uncountable tears, i find consolation in only one thing: i am knowing Christ more - and the worth of knowing Christ Jesus surpasses all else.

Jesus, Jesus how i trust him

how i've proved him o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

oh for grace to trust him more

don't get me wrong - the pain, the tears, the questions - they're continuous it seems. everything is still so real. just because i am excited about knowing God more doesn't mean i don't feel the pain. it doesn't mean i don't hate the hurt we experience. i simply have a hope beyond the pain. a hope because i have a restored relationship with the King of the universe. and tonight, he promises to be with me.

so i'll survive this hour simply because he's not going to let me go. 

LIFE - all i have is Christ

I once was lost in darkest night

Yet thought I knew the way.

The sin that promised joy and life

Had led me to the grave.

I had no hope that You would own

A rebel to Your will.

And if You had not loved me first

I would refuse You still.

But as I ran my hell-bound race

Indifferent to the cost

You looked upon my helpless state

And led me to the cross.

And I beheld God’s love displayed

You suffered in my place

You bore the wrath reserved for me

Now all I know is grace.

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ

Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone

And live so all might see

The strength to follow Your commands

Could never come from me.

Oh Father, use my ransomed life

In any way You choose.

And let my song forever be

My only boast is You.

All I Have is Christ

Sovereign Grace Ministries

"all i have is Christ" has never been more true for me. 

when all is stripped away - 

when nothing seems to go right - 

i am left with only one thing. 

but it is not a sadness that fills my soul because "all i have is Christ." 

rather it is an inexplicable joy that:

"hallelujah! all i have is Christ! hallelujah! Jesus is my life!"

DOUBTS - remind me...

sometimes i don't know where i'm headed

sometimes i don't know what to read

sometimes i don't know how to pray

sometimes i don't know who i believe

sometimes i don't know when it'll be better

sometimes i don't know why it won't stop

and it's in those moments that i pray...

remind me, Abba,

you are there

                   ~psalm 139~ 

remind me, Daddy,

you sustain

           ~psalm 63:8~

remind me, Most High,

you are faithful

                    ~hebrews 10:23~                                                

remind me, God,

you know what you're doing 

                                                ~isaiah 55:8-9~ 

remind me, Lord,

your peace surpasses the need to know why 

                                                                           ~philippians 4:7~ 

remind me, King,

your power is made perfect in my weakness

                                                                     ~2 corinthians 12:9~ 

remind me, Comforter,

you know what it's like to hurt 

                                            ~hebrews 4:14-16~ 

remind me, Jesus,

in you my soul finds rest

                                ~matthew 11:28-30~ 

remind me, Majesty,

you satisfy 

            ~john 6:35~ 

remind me, Listener,

you hear

      ~psalm 40:1~ 

remind me, All-Knowing,

you will answer 

                     ~psalm 120:1~ 

remind me, Everything,

in you i can be content 

                                 ~philippians 4:13~ 

remind me, Love, 

you are good 

                 ~psalm 34:8~ 

remind me, Rock,

you are my stronghold

                                      ~nahum 1:7~ 

 remind me, Eternal One,

you are reliable 

                  ~hebrews 13:8~ 

sometimes it's okay to just not know

sometimes it's okay to simply not understand

sometimes it's okay to only feel the hurt

sometimes it's okay to be wholly broken

and that's where i am right now

and my Jesus says that's okay
and my Jesus promises He is enough
that He'll always be enough

even when i hardly believe



                        

FAITH - jesus, draw me ever nearer

Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer

Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;

And at the end of my heart's testing,

With your likeness let me wake.

Let the treasures of the trial 
Form within me as I go - 
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne. 

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With your likeness let me wake.

Abba, i know you are there. be real to us today.

DOUBTS - the gospel when life sucks

you know how sometimes life just really doesn't go how you had planned? yeah. me too.

expectations for january 2013:

-return to school

-get far ahead in homework

-spend lots of time rejoicing with friends

-revel in the Word of God with full faith

realities of january 2013:

-returned to school

-days spent "weeping with those who weep"

-a dear brother entered eternity unexpectedly

-did zero homework

-forced reading of the Word for some glimmer of hope or truth

as i look back on my prayers from the past month, i see a recurring, simple, one-line prayer:

"God, you have to remind me of who you are today"

i've spent the past year and a half of my life discovering the gospel of grace. God's incredible, far-reaching, never-ending, always-holding grace. and i absolutely love it. i hardly understand it. i simply want to know it. to experience it. 

and then life gets flipped upside-down. 

do i still believe it? does it still apply? does his grace remain even still?

YES

i could feel guilty for my lack of work, my lack of words, my lack of belief. yet Jesus did not die so that i could do something better. he died so i could be with him forever. to the glory of God the Father. and that forever with Jesus starts right now. actually it started 13 years ago. i am in the beginning of forever with Jesus! i am his and he is mine. not because i respond perfectly to pain. not because i earned his love or his forgiveness. simply because,

"God demonstrated his own love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
romans 5:8

and the peace i have found is that Jesus does not moralize my pain and say, "oh it's okay that everything hurts. i know something good will come out of it." nor does he look at my pain and say, "well, your pain isn't that bad compared to the starving children in africa." 

instead, i have found:

"we may not ever fully understand why God allows the suffering that devastates our lives. we may not even find the right answers to how we'll dig ourselves out. there may not be any silver lining, especially not in the ways we would like. But we don't need answers as much as we need God's presence in and through the suffering itself. for the life of the believer, one thing is beautifully and abundantly true: God's chief concern in your suffering is to be with you and be Himself for you."

my Jesus has been, is now, and will be enough for me. even when i don't believe it. even when i don't see him. even when i hardly think he's there. he is enough, he is hanging on, he is my everything. yesterday. today. and forever. despite my faithlessness, he will remain faithful. and that's what makes it all okay.

his grace continues even now, even when life sucks.

"the good news of the gospel is not an exhortation from above to 'hang on at all costs,' or 'grin and bear it' in the midst of hardship. no, the good news is that God is hanging on to you, and in the end, when all is said and done, the power of God will triumph over every pain and loss."

(quotes by -tullian tchividjian- in his book Glorious Ruin)