DOUBTS - the gospel when life sucks (part two)

on february 9, 2013, i wrote a post called "the gospel when life sucks."
it's somewhat comical now, except in a very sad comedic way; because if i had only known what lay ahead in my semester, if i had only known of the increasing amounts of pain to come... maybe i could have done something to prepare myself, to brace myself.

but i didn't know. 

(and guess what...
 i'm glad.) 

~"why are you glad? wouldn't you have wanted to know? to plan - at least to pray?"

~honestly, no. i know myself. i know i would have run far, far away. i would have said something like: "see ya later, God, i'm outta here." or "i can't handle that, i don't want to face pain." or "that can't happen to me - to my friends - to my plans."

but i didn't know. and by God's grace i didn't run. i've felt (and am feeling) every blow. every pain. every broken heart - my friends' and my own. 

and now i could blog about all the bad things that have happened. i could write about all the hurt. i could even try to explain myself to the wondering souls who question me.
...but that's not really the point...
it just isn't about all the bad things, the unexpected circumstances, the sins that cause hurt. it's not even about my attempts of explanation.
if it were about the bad things, i'd be depressed, sad, lonely, and hopeless.
if it were about the unexpected circumstances, i'd go crazy from loss of control.
if it were about my vain attempts of explaining what i hardly understand myself, we'd all leave confused and disappointed.

but, thankfully, it's not about those things.
and i know that it's not, because my God is not a God of sadness, loneliness, or hopelessness,

"You make known to me the paths of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." psalm 16

and my God is a God of plans - he isn't surprised by anything,

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." proverbs 16

and my God is a God of clarity, not confusion: he knows what he's doing,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." isaiah 55

so i can face my pain and not have to worry about healing as quickly as possible. why? because i'm knowing my Abba in a way i didn't even know i could. i've found my God, not just Jesus, cares about my heart, my tears, my every minute.
and that is why i don't want to run. because this deepening intimacy between God, the Satisfier, and me, His ever-wandering little girl, is too great to say, "man, i wish this pain never happened."

 the two - the pain in my soul and the comfort of my Daddy - are inseparable right now. and that's why i am glad i didn't know. so i couldn't run. so i could know the High King more. 

do i sometimes question myself, my discernment, my emotions, my God? yes. absolutely. in those moments of intense pain, relentless questioning, and uncountable tears, i find consolation in only one thing: i am knowing Christ more - and the worth of knowing Christ Jesus surpasses all else.

Jesus, Jesus how i trust him

how i've proved him o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

oh for grace to trust him more

don't get me wrong - the pain, the tears, the questions - they're continuous it seems. everything is still so real. just because i am excited about knowing God more doesn't mean i don't feel the pain. it doesn't mean i don't hate the hurt we experience. i simply have a hope beyond the pain. a hope because i have a restored relationship with the King of the universe. and tonight, he promises to be with me.

so i'll survive this hour simply because he's not going to let me go.