GRACE - the promise of spring

home sweet home.

currently i sit on a megabus bound for des moines. i have the best seat on the whole bus - top deck, front left, with a half-inch of glass separating me on two sides from the outdoors. the large window directly in front of me offers an incredible view of the unmatched iowa countryside.

to some this sight is an unimpressive mesh of nasty browns, struggling greens, and a not-so-bright blue sky. it's a barren land still dead from the wears of winter.

but not to me. i love it. i see beauty - pure, innocent beauty.

to me this land is a stunning mix of fields just starting to show patches of green life, contrasted by an endless, innocent, soft blue sky carrying wisps of subtle, white clouds, and a tender, cool breeze blowing the barely budding trees ever so gently. 

yes, this is my home. this is where i feel safe. this is where i love to be - in iowa. and i appreciate it now more than i ever have.

but what makes my perspective of this rather "boring" terrain different? why don't i see a hardly-alive land and a mix of dull colors?

maybe it’s because i’ve seen a city all year, and the grays, blacks, and browns get a bit boring, especially in the dead of winter.

maybe it’s because i’m delusional from 3 hours of restless sleep last night.

maybe it's because i know what these fields, trees, and skies will look like in just a few weeks - when the fields will be thriving, boasting sprouts of green promise for the season ahead and the blue skies shining brightly against the magnificent greens of the pockets of trees. 

or maybe it's because iowa is simply beautiful. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

right now my life feels quite a bit like iowa looks to the average person: pretty bleak, fairly pale.

but i don’t see my life as ugly; i don’t see my life as hopeless. i see promising sprouts of life - i see that during this dreary winter my heart has been changed and God-planned growth is in the works. 

because Jesus Christ says,

“Behold, I am making all things new.”

beginning with my heart. i am a new creation. there is fulfilling life now and abundant life ahead. 

so i see beauty because i trust that spring is not far off - that summer might even be coming.

and, besides, without a dead winter, it’s nearly impossible to appreciate the magnificent beauty of a coming spring. 

FAITH - a poem

this weekend i wrote a poem

To the Lost

The lost – among me – the doubters, the haters, the hesitant, the cravers

I hear them, I see them, but hope do I bring them?

A Doubter – she thinks His lifetime could be true:

He lived, He died, He said He’d make new.

She says, “I could believe but… to rise from the dead?

I simply can’t know if He died in my stead.”

The Hater – a man – consumed with the world.

He once knew some Christians, but judgments they hurled;

So his longings for peace he shoved down deep inside,

Masking his heart with false confidence and pride.

And then there’s the Hesitant, the girl who wants love.

She’s heard of a Jesus, of a God up above,

But her short life has taught her, “Girl, love’s never certain.”

So up go her walls, heart guarded by iron curtains.

Finally, the Craver, the man who’s never been told

That there’s hope in this world, that God died for his soul.

A busy life he keeps living in search of some thing;

He guesses it’s his purpose – he doesn’t know he needs the King.

The lost – among me – the doubters, the haters, the hesitant, the cravers

I hear them, I see them, but hope do I bring them?

One day, a few years back, I was lost and so afraid –

A doubter to the core, by the world’s claims I had been swayed.

I was full of deep hatred toward the religion of laws,

Hesitant to believe, yet craving for some cause.

Then out of the darkness a voice called my name,

I heard, “Daughter, I see you, for my own you are claimed.

Jesus died to give you life; now I forgive and show you grace

He rose from the dead, paying your penalty in your place.”

No longer am I lost – I’ve been found, given life.

A hope fills my soul, blocking blows from all strife.

Yes, life is still hard – there are days full of doubt,

But I know with all my heart by His grace I’m not cut out.

So a message I will bring to the lost around me:

To the doubter - there is truth He can’t wait for you to see

To the hater - He is peace, and I know you’ll agree

To the hesitant - God is love, He won’t leave you on your own

To the craver - You’ll be satisfied; He alone will fill your soul.

To the lost – among me – the doubters, the haters, the hesitant, the cravers

I hear you, I see you, and I bring hope from your Creator.

DOUBTS - the gospel when life sucks (part two)

on february 9, 2013, i wrote a post called "the gospel when life sucks."
it's somewhat comical now, except in a very sad comedic way; because if i had only known what lay ahead in my semester, if i had only known of the increasing amounts of pain to come... maybe i could have done something to prepare myself, to brace myself.

but i didn't know. 

(and guess what...
 i'm glad.) 

~"why are you glad? wouldn't you have wanted to know? to plan - at least to pray?"

~honestly, no. i know myself. i know i would have run far, far away. i would have said something like: "see ya later, God, i'm outta here." or "i can't handle that, i don't want to face pain." or "that can't happen to me - to my friends - to my plans."

but i didn't know. and by God's grace i didn't run. i've felt (and am feeling) every blow. every pain. every broken heart - my friends' and my own. 

and now i could blog about all the bad things that have happened. i could write about all the hurt. i could even try to explain myself to the wondering souls who question me.
...but that's not really the point...
it just isn't about all the bad things, the unexpected circumstances, the sins that cause hurt. it's not even about my attempts of explanation.
if it were about the bad things, i'd be depressed, sad, lonely, and hopeless.
if it were about the unexpected circumstances, i'd go crazy from loss of control.
if it were about my vain attempts of explaining what i hardly understand myself, we'd all leave confused and disappointed.

but, thankfully, it's not about those things.
and i know that it's not, because my God is not a God of sadness, loneliness, or hopelessness,

"You make known to me the paths of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." psalm 16

and my God is a God of plans - he isn't surprised by anything,

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." proverbs 16

and my God is a God of clarity, not confusion: he knows what he's doing,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." isaiah 55

so i can face my pain and not have to worry about healing as quickly as possible. why? because i'm knowing my Abba in a way i didn't even know i could. i've found my God, not just Jesus, cares about my heart, my tears, my every minute.
and that is why i don't want to run. because this deepening intimacy between God, the Satisfier, and me, His ever-wandering little girl, is too great to say, "man, i wish this pain never happened."

 the two - the pain in my soul and the comfort of my Daddy - are inseparable right now. and that's why i am glad i didn't know. so i couldn't run. so i could know the High King more. 

do i sometimes question myself, my discernment, my emotions, my God? yes. absolutely. in those moments of intense pain, relentless questioning, and uncountable tears, i find consolation in only one thing: i am knowing Christ more - and the worth of knowing Christ Jesus surpasses all else.

Jesus, Jesus how i trust him

how i've proved him o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

oh for grace to trust him more

don't get me wrong - the pain, the tears, the questions - they're continuous it seems. everything is still so real. just because i am excited about knowing God more doesn't mean i don't feel the pain. it doesn't mean i don't hate the hurt we experience. i simply have a hope beyond the pain. a hope because i have a restored relationship with the King of the universe. and tonight, he promises to be with me.

so i'll survive this hour simply because he's not going to let me go.